Brey Willows

This is an experiment I’m hoping to keep going for some time. Author E.V. Bancroft gifted me a deck of cards from the Writing Down the Bones series, and I’ve been eager to see how it works. I’m a big believer in timed free writing because it forces you to leave out the filters and hesitations. I’ve lost my sense of writing just for fun, I think, so in doing this I hope to recapture that word play that also helps me dig a little deeper into my own writing journey.

Card #26, Writing Down the Bones: What are you reaching for? What are you looking for?

Today? Or ever? What does it mean to be looking for something on an existential level?

Today I’m looking for an aspect of success. I want to get some things actually completed. Beyond that? I’m looking for whatever it means to be successful overall. I’m looking for validation from readers and my peers, and that feels never ending. I’m looking for the next great review, the next audiobook option, the larger pre-order numbers that tell me writing is what I’m meant to do, even though I feel like I’m not built for much more these days.

I’m looking for answers. All the time. Why won’t my cough go away? Why do my hips hurt? Why won’t my characters do as they’re told? And when they Do as they’re told, why do they feel flat? I’m looking for a release of control and that gorgeous zone where flow is a physical thing that comes from my fingertips and the years and years and years of ingesting stories from everywhere they can be found.

I’m looking for self-acceptance. I’m looking to be released from the prison of self-doubt and imposter syndrome. I’m hoping to find some level of inner peace as I enter my next half century. Imagine, nearly fifty years of self-loathing. I’m looking for a release from that tide of darkness that falls over me when the refrain of “I’m not good enough” is like a bell tolling in my head non-stop.

I’m looking for what so many of us are looking for, I think.