Brey Willows

Writing Down the Bones, Card 50: “You need to know this.”

What you need to know is that I don’t mean to be this way. I don’t mean to be needy, over the top, or abrupt. I don’t mean to say the wrong things. I don’t mean to be over zealous or distant. I really don’t. All those personality quirks, all those things that make the non-popular kids the ones sitting alone on the playground–I seem to have them in abundance.

And I don’t mean to. If I could change, if I could play it cool like the other writers who have a contingent of people around them, I’d totally do it. As it is I mask to seem reasonably normal, and even then I still come across as off.

But you should know that I really, really want to fit in. I want to be your friend. I want to be liked. I want to be mentioned in those “favorite authors of” lists. (I never am.) I want to go to conferences and laugh and joke with old friends without being aware that I’m going to say or do something that will offend, or come across as weird. Something that will mean I don’t get the invite to that next outing/dinner/adventure/conference.

I don’t want to be this needy. I want you to know that I’d love to be super chill and just let things be and move and shift however they’re going to. I’d love to be fine sitting on my own and not be part of the cool kid crowd. Maybe, one day, it will happen.

For now, I want you to know that I’m trying, and I’m really grateful that you’re patient with me.