Brey Willows

Card 2, Writing Down the Bones: What I’m not thinking of.

Ohh…this is a doozy question this morning. Because there’s a LOT I’m trying not to think about. The things I’m “not” thinking of would drown me if I let them out to play all day.

But for the purpose of this, where I’m trying to let go of some stuff…okay. I’ll do this. You may want to look away.

I’m not thinking of the way I’m a burden. The way I’m taking up space, energy, time and don’t deserve to. I’m not thinking of how I looked in the mirror and cried because all I can see is something revolting, something ugly and dumpy and undeserving of love or attention.

I’m not thinking of the fact that I’m a bad daughter who doesn’t talk to my mum nearly enough, even though my mum would like that. And when my mum is sick and needs extra support and community. Because I’m selfish and too wrapped up in my own crap to reach beyond my bubble of tar.

I’m not thinking of the fact that when we went to the neurology appt the other day we had to talk about how I’m worried about going out by myself, how I sometimes don’t know where I am, what year it is, or what I’m doing. The fact that I get sick on a dime and it sets me back over and over again. I’m not thinking about the fact that I feel broken in a dozen different ways.

I’m not thinking about the fact that I’m a crap wife because of all of the above, adding to my wife’s already stretched emotional bandwidth as she deals with her own family medical issues which are particularly difficult. I’m not thinking about the fact that she can’t possibly find me attractive anymore as I gain menopausal weight on top of the weight I already struggle with.

I’m not thinking about the fact that some days are just too much and I’d really, really like to go back to bed and hide under the covers.

But like I said, I’m not thinking about these things because I’d simply stop functioning, and I don’t have the time to do so.

So I’m not thinking of them.